Monday, February 27, 2012

Assignment 4...

... really?  I feel like I have been doing this school thing FOREVER, but somehow, I am on #4.  Holy Moly.  And I am pretty well stuck, because for this assignment, I have to draft my next four classes.  I have to select readings, and plan out my next FOUR classes!  I am at a loss.  Really, I do best when people tell me what to do... Although, if you asked my husband (or my parents) about that statement, they would strongly disagree.  They would probably say, "um, hello? Have you MET HER?  She DOES NOT do well with people telling her what to do!" Maybe the university knows me better than I realize...

Truly though, I really do not know what to write.  Luckily, it is a draft, or a mere "exercise" in what course designing is.  Despite all of that, it has brought my progress to a screeching halt.  I'm sure that within a day or two, I will be back in full swing, but presently, I am in a state of absolute confusion.  I guess that is a "welcome-to-the-strange-and-perplexing-world-that-is-being-a-doctoral-student."  Initiation, phase two, perhaps?  I bet there are many, many phases...

In any case, I'll keep swimming along.  Otherwise the university will need to throw me a raft... and at this stage in the game, I think it is wise not to ask just yet...

Saturday, February 25, 2012

one of THOSE people...

You know how there are some people who always feel the need to give you "perspective" when you are down?  Or those who, no matter what, always act like they are taking things in stride, and always looking at the positives?  And I'm not talking about being this way some of the time.  I'm talking every. single. minute.  And you can't help but wonder two things:  1.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? and 2. ARE YOU FAKING THIS OR DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT?

Well, I was thinking about my reactions to life's small, and large, challenges.  Let's be honest, consider my last post.  You can imagine that plenty of people would like to offer me the bright side of that situation.  And given some recent events, I too have been reminded that it is not the end of the world.  But I never said it was, I just said I was sad.  And I am. 

But I got to thinking... do I come across as one of THOSE people?  I mean, generally, I'm pretty satisfied with life.  Generally, I can remain calm in difficult situations.  But that's just generally.  I also completely lose it sometimes, say the wrong things, and become emotional even though I wish I wouldn't.  I just can't help but wonder if people look at me and think that either I am removed from reality, or perhaps a grand perspective giver (which no one needs...). 

My response to all of that would be that I am the way I am because of what I have lived through.  I'm not going to stand here and say that my life began with suffering, because it certainly did not.  Nor did suffering follow me throughout my life.  But I have endured some pretty rough things (which, obviously I have no intention of publishing in detail).  So, if I seem to be a perspective girl, it is merely a result of what I have already experienced.  Very little surprises me, because very much I have witnessed first-hand. 

I laugh out loud when people excuse themselves for swearing in front of me.  Once I stop laughing, I remind them that they need not excuse themselves... And I suppose that my religion plays a part in the apologies for obsceneties.  But again, my religion is not a coincidence... it is what it is because of life's challenges. And also, I too have quite the trucker mouth (but I'm working on it!).

I want people to know really how I am this way, and really what "this way" is.  Not better than anyone, not nicer, calmer, wiser, or holier.  I am who I am because of where I've been.  For better, worse, and everything in the middle.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Who are you, and what have you done with the person I know?

At some point during my short stint as a stay-at-home mom, I realized that I would have to return to work.  This was a whopping 6 months after we had our first child.  (Obviously, Math was not our strong suit...)  This realization was heart-wrenching.  I couldn't come to grips with anyone else taking care of my child.  For the first 2 years back, I worked 2 days per week, so my husband watched him (and then, them-yeah, they are 17 months apart), one day, and a grandparent the other.  I adjusted to it eventually, after all, 2 days is nooooot a lot of time, and obviously the kid(s) adore daddy, and their grandmother.  After those 2 years, I started working every day. Kids started three days of daycare, and kept one grandma day, and one daddy day. One year it was shortened days, and presently, I'm back to full time.

I look back at those early days, when I literally wept almost every night before I had to go to work.  And now, I look at myself, and am not sure where that weepy woman went.  Not that I really miss her (and I can tell you that the weeping likely got old to the husband too, though he never let on)... But I have evolved, so to speak, into this career minded mother, and I have no idea how I got here.  Never, ever, in my life, did I expect for this to happen.

I'm a teacher.  I'm not going to sit here on my high horse and talk about all the lives that I may or may not have shaped, inspired, etc.  But I work in the field for the students.  And when you're in that field for the right reasons, it becomes all-consuming.  This is not to say that my own children have suffered from this, as the "all-consuming" parts tend to happen when they are asleep (grading, planning, etc), or during my work day.  But it becomes this thing that you eat, sleep, and breathe.  And I realized one day that I honestly didn't mind that.  I define myself as a wife & mother first, but the teaching thing is right there behind.

So this works out okay for me.  I started working on my doctoral degree, which, with any stroke of magic, should be finished in six to eight years.   And I love that too.  I've actually been in school most of my teaching career anyway, so I fell back into it pretty well.  At least for now, in the beginning phases...

But everyone knows that education is subject to the powers of politics and government.  And herein lies my most recent crisis.  I'm not here to bash anyone, nor question that which I cannot control.  But my job, that I know and love, has been drastically changed.  The outcome is that I will still have a job, somewhere.  I don't wish to minimize the relief that that is, especially during this economic disaster in which we are currently living.  But it is, in all honesty, of little consolation to me presently (in this stage of "grief" so to speak).  I throw my heart and soul into a community, and a school, and it all gets changed.  I am crushed.  Now I know, I know, that what lies ahead of me will be a blessing.  I know that God works for good in all things. I know.  And I know I still have a job. But I also know that some teachers are rejoicing as I cry, because these changes look better for their jobs, and my job is of little concern to them.  And, well, "it is what it is."  But for me, the job that I know and love, will be no more in the fall.  Something (that has been reduced to elective status, thereby tremendously reducing any credibility) will be available for some, and for others, we just have to lean on our other certifications for placement.  I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm offended, and I'm exhausted. And I am sorry if that sounds crazy...  But I won't excuse my tears.

But all of this to say- What on earth has happened to me?  When did I become this career-minded mother, doctoral student, etc.? What happened to the young mom who cried all the way to work every day because she had to leave her children in the care of someone else.?  WHERE IS SHE???

I don't know...  But I do know, that my life is fulfilling.  That my children might even be better off thanks to being with other children, learning how to take turns, learning how to share, learning how to read, and enjoying a "school" environment.  That my husband is so excited for me as I pursue my Doctorate.  That my brain thanks me tremendously, and my children see me as a patient mom (and yeah, the Ritalin helps with that too:)  And I also know every cliche in the book about things working out in the end.  I know, I know, I know... so where did my first mom-persona go?  Maybe she's in here, surrounded by the intellectual, and the humanitarian.  Maybe all of this is proof of saying that though I know not what lies ahead, that I will embrace it, just like I embraced working-motherness.  I have to... No choice in the matter... Who knows what new character traits might evolve from the present situation...