At some point during my short stint as a stay-at-home mom, I realized that I would have to return to work. This was a whopping 6 months after we had our first child. (Obviously, Math was not our strong suit...) This realization was heart-wrenching. I couldn't come to grips with anyone else taking care of my child. For the first 2 years back, I worked 2 days per week, so my husband watched him (and then, them-yeah, they are 17 months apart), one day, and a grandparent the other. I adjusted to it eventually, after all, 2 days is nooooot a lot of time, and obviously the kid(s) adore daddy, and their grandmother. After those 2 years, I started working every day. Kids started three days of daycare, and kept one grandma day, and one daddy day. One year it was shortened days, and presently, I'm back to full time.
I look back at those early days, when I literally wept almost every night before I had to go to work. And now, I look at myself, and am not sure where that weepy woman went. Not that I really miss her (and I can tell you that the weeping likely got old to the husband too, though he never let on)... But I have evolved, so to speak, into this career minded mother, and I have no idea how I got here. Never, ever, in my life, did I expect for this to happen.
I'm a teacher. I'm not going to sit here on my high horse and talk about all the lives that I may or may not have shaped, inspired, etc. But I work in the field for the students. And when you're in that field for the right reasons, it becomes all-consuming. This is not to say that my own children have suffered from this, as the "all-consuming" parts tend to happen when they are asleep (grading, planning, etc), or during my work day. But it becomes this thing that you eat, sleep, and breathe. And I realized one day that I honestly didn't mind that. I define myself as a wife & mother first, but the teaching thing is right there behind.
So this works out okay for me. I started working on my doctoral degree, which, with any stroke of magic, should be finished in six to eight years. And I love that too. I've actually been in school most of my teaching career anyway, so I fell back into it pretty well. At least for now, in the beginning phases...
But everyone knows that education is subject to the powers of politics and government. And herein lies my most recent crisis. I'm not here to bash anyone, nor question that which I cannot control. But my job, that I know and love, has been drastically changed. The outcome is that I will still have a job, somewhere. I don't wish to minimize the relief that that is, especially during this economic disaster in which we are currently living. But it is, in all honesty, of little consolation to me presently (in this stage of "grief" so to speak). I throw my heart and soul into a community, and a school, and it all gets changed. I am crushed. Now I know, I know, that what lies ahead of me will be a blessing. I know that God works for good in all things. I know. And I know I still have a job. But I also know that some teachers are rejoicing as I cry, because these changes look better for their jobs, and my job is of little concern to them. And, well, "it is what it is." But for me, the job that I know and love, will be no more in the fall. Something (that has been reduced to elective status, thereby tremendously reducing any credibility) will be available for some, and for others, we just have to lean on our other certifications for placement. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm offended, and I'm exhausted. And I am sorry if that sounds crazy... But I won't excuse my tears.
But all of this to say- What on earth has happened to me? When did I become this career-minded mother, doctoral student, etc.? What happened to the young mom who cried all the way to work every day because she had to leave her children in the care of someone else.? WHERE IS SHE???
I don't know... But I do know, that my life is fulfilling. That my children might even be better off thanks to being with other children, learning how to take turns, learning how to share, learning how to read, and enjoying a "school" environment. That my husband is so excited for me as I pursue my Doctorate. That my brain thanks me tremendously, and my children see me as a patient mom (and yeah, the Ritalin helps with that too:) And I also know every cliche in the book about things working out in the end. I know, I know, I know... so where did my first mom-persona go? Maybe she's in here, surrounded by the intellectual, and the humanitarian. Maybe all of this is proof of saying that though I know not what lies ahead, that I will embrace it, just like I embraced working-motherness. I have to... No choice in the matter... Who knows what new character traits might evolve from the present situation...
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